i went to a party!

I live a quiet life, generally. My DH doesn't like to be around people much, he is shy and quiet. so we don't go out to pubs and clubs a lot, ever! Normally it will be to a bbq, something small and intimate.

so my Step Into Life group had their 1 year anniversary. PARTY! Of course I am going! Asked DH if he wants to come, NOPE. So, great, I am going by myself!

So first worry: drinking. How will  I control myself around free beer/wine/sparkling?
Not a worry at all...I will drive!
Second worry...no second worry. I don't need to worry about a dress, formal: get dressy! I have my gorgeous dress, and I didn't need to worry what I looked like. I think I look good and that is all that really matters now!
So off I go to the party, on my own! And had a ball!

Normally, as the fat girl, I am the loud, funny one. I think I am funny, even if no one else does! But loud...everyone knows I am that. I am sure many of you will relate. If you are loud and funny, people are listening to you, not looking at your body. I am sure it doesn't work that way, but it is what I have always thought! And of course alcohol always helps!

I didn't know too many people there, yet talked to heaps! Learnt a lot about people.

I won an award...Look Who's a Hot Mama Now?!
I had to do a speech. I admitted, out loud, to strangers that I used to weigh over 100kg.
I admitted, and for the first time on here now, that when I fell pregnant, I was told I was too obese to go to a normal hospital, I HAD to go to the one specifically for pregnancy as I was at high risk. The hospital was brilliant, I wasn't high risk and had midwives, but lets face it, I was morbidly obese. I just didn't realise it at the time. I knew I was fat, but people my size can go to any hospital...it isn't like I was unable to walk! But alas, I was morbidly obese and the beds obviously wouldn't cater for my size.
To be called hot, even if tongue in cheek, felt amazing!
I got a round of applause. And some tears!
I felt great.
I had congrats left, right and centre! I was also this months "cover girl" for our magazine, so a lot of people commented on that and how "inspirational" I am.

I want to comment on that...am I really inspirational?
I mean how can someone be that inspirational? I SHOULD NEVER have been that big. If I was inspirational, I would have stopped myself getting to a BMI close to 40. Other people do it. why didn't I? After I was told I was morbidly obese, did it make me lose weight? NO! Instead I put more weight on! I was heavier when I started WW then I was at 9 months pregnant. That isn't inspirational. That is crazy! What did I need to make changes?
I am certainly proud of who I am, what I have achieved and how I feel. But to be inspirational to others? Especially to people who are "normal" as such?? No.

Back to the party. I also won a prize. 1 month of free training, as many times as I want.
The game to win...swap clothing with a member of the opposite sex who you aren't related to, or bf/gf with.
One of the guys grabbed me and said "we are winning this!"
Off we went to the hallway, stripped and changed (underwear left on!) ran back and WON! Now, I had absolutely no time to really think about what I was doing at the time. But it wasn't a private hallway. People ran past us to the toilets to get changed. For the first time in my life, i didn't think "Oh my god! I am fat and ugly, I have fat rolls, he must think I am so ugly, I won't fit into his clothes, How can I cover up? oooh, what if he sees that part of me?" all those things I would have thought. NONE of these hit my head at the time. What i did think was, "WOW, I can get my legs into his jeans...and oh wow, the zip and button are doing up! I fit into a thin man's jeans!"

Now, in hindsight, this could seem a little slutty...but I assure you in NOWAY was it! I don't have that in me! It was the fastest change I have ever done!
I am glad of a few things on Saturday night...
1. I wore matching underwear.
2. I wore nice, clean, no holes etc underwear! It wasn't Bridgette Jone's underwear!
3. I didn't care about my body. I was actually proud!
4. I had confidence in myself! No alcohol, no hiding behind any persona, I was me, I was confident, I was strong!
5. I won!

Now the matching underwear only came to mind because after the event, the guy said "I must say, you have very nice matching bra and knickers, they looked great!" OMG! Then I think I went a different shade of crimson. I didn't think there was time for a perve at all! But obviously, men can sneak one in anywhere, anytime! LOL. So I look good even without clothes on?! Could this be true? I look good without the clothes sucking in all the bits that still need to be worked off? Someone saw me semi naked and wanted to take a peak and liked what they saw? That was me he was talking about? Are you serious?!
He then spent all night talking to me! So does that mean he hit on me? He got me drinks all night...water of course, respected that I was drinking water too! He has also asked me to join him running. Has given me the days he runs and would love to run "an easy 5k" with me!
I will also say that he is married with 4.5 children! So I am sure he wasn't hitting on me, but hey, it is a nice feeling to have been flirted with! Alas, I have no idea how to flirt!

I also, I think, had another man try to hit on me. He rubbed my arm as he congratulated me on my loss, and said I was certainly a hot mama. He even asked me what day I train, because he would love to train with me and be in my class. I am not used to this kind of attention, so I don't know if that is a come on or not?! It isn't something you would say in every day conversation surely?!

While I am not into returning the flirts/perves etc...I must say, when it happens, you walk away a bit "WOW", maybe a little big headed, certainly flattered and probably thinking you must look really hot!

When I got home, at a very decent time of 11pm, I told my husband that I got this award, won this prize (didn't ask how I won, didn't tell him) and that I was told I was gorgeous and hot...someone even said smart (hmmm, a blonde and smart...someone really is taking the mickey!) and he didn't say anything. So I said "it would be nice if my husband could maybe one day say that about me, not every day, but every now and then, especially when I make an effort"...he actually made a lovely reply..."You do look hot, you look great, awesome, the change is amazing!"
will it take another IN YOUR FACE comment to get a compliment like that again? We will see!

so now, I am all psyched. Not only  have others made me feel a little like Elle McPherson, but I have a month of extra training, just when I am ONLY 2.5kg away from goal. I am making the most of this, I want to get there, I want to get there, I want to get there!

Back to a really long post, sorry, but for those of you who are still reading...I hope, that you can see that weight loss isn't just about weighing a certain number. It is about the way you feel about yourself. I cannot remember feeling this happy. I walked into that party feeling confident and beautiful. I walked out feeling confident, beautiful and sexy. What woman doesn't want to feel that way? I am truly happy. I am truly able to say that I love who I am. I am not scared, I am not hiding behind a mask, I am not faking happiness. You can't fake this feeling. This feeling just takes over you. It is sooo worth it!
What a wonderful feeling!