Another dent

Yes, another dent, and by the same person.

This one is a big one.
Apparently becoming skinny is just too expensive so i have to give up either WW or exercise. He wants to buy a shed, and some clothes, so I have to give up one of them.

The two together cost $140 a month.

now you need to know a little about me, to know why I am absolutely pee'd at this, apart from the obvious.

I am not a girly girl. I don't wear a lot of makeup, i don't use expensive face products (nivea is about as expensive as I go), I don't do manicures/pedicures and I have 1 necklace I wear, never take off and same with pair of earrings. so i don't go out and buy jewellery or accessories. I bought my first handbag ever in bali last month. I normally just wait for my sister to buy me a little market bag. perfect for my wallet and phone. no make up goes in there as i don't wear it!
In one year, i probably spend $50 in makeup/moisturiser (face and body) and face cleanser. Now that is nothing.
I should use seritide (asthma stuff) twice a day, but at $30 for 25 days, it is expensive, so i don't. I barely use it. Now I am fitter and healthier, I have discovered my asthma is really improving and I don't need it so much anyway. before i needed it, i just didn't use it or buy it and suffered majorly.
I used to get sever eczema too, and should have gone to a dermatologist about it, as it gets quite bad, but never did and suffered majorly. I haven't had it for 4 months...since i dropped weight.

So $140 a month, for an incredibly low maintenance girl, isn't a lot of money.

Now, him. he drinks at least 2 cartons of beer ($80) in a month, but more likely 3. and I will be conservative and say he drinks 6 bottles of wine a month, but it is more likely 8 - 10. Last night and tonight he has had 6 beers and 4 wines.
I have not had a drink since Good Friday.
I used to drink, and I used to drink a lot. Just as much as him. Now in a month, I would drink 4 beers (1 per week) and almost 1 bottle of wine.  So maybe $20 a month in alcohol. But it wouldn't be that much.

so what is he giving up for his shed and his clothes? hmmm...well...take a guess.

So why does he want me to stay fat? I think it was Deb said a lot of women get their power when they lose weight, and men feel threatened that they might leave. Well, when he is acting like a total tool, I ask, why wouldn't I leave? There is only one reason I would leave this man...because i didn't love him. that isn't going to change whether i am skinny or fat.
He sees skinny as costing money, but being obese as costing less??? How can that be? Does he not read the paper? Yesterday there was a big article about Obesity taking over smoking as the highest preventative killer.
So he either doesn't care if i get diabetes (can't imagine the costs involved in that one), doesn't care if my asthma returns, doesn't care if my skin makes me itch and starts to fall off...or he doesn't care that I could die early and he be a single parent???
Or was/is he as blind as I was, and not see me as obese?
And Yes, I am obese still. I have a BMI of 31. Still obese. Oh how i can't wait until i am overweight!
And I know BMI is not the be all and end all, infact the Aust Govt prefers the measurement of your weight. Well, my waist measurement is 96cm, which puts in morbidly obese. So take your pick!

I tell a lie...i said there was only one reason i would leave him...no...there is another. not being loved. I am sick of being a nothing, a nobody, somebody who means nothing and is of zero importance in his life. I don't understand why he stays with me when I am nothing to him. I deserve to be a somebody. And to talk to him about this...well...i would love too, but you only listen to somebodies...and obviously...he wont do that.

So yes a bloody big dent. Only I can fix it. I know I need to talk to him...but the fear of being totally ignored (as with every other time i try to talk to him) is greater and it is easier to stay silent. Someone also suggested i leave my blog open for him to read, but he doesn't look at my computer. he doesn't show an interest in anything i do. He never asks if I have lost weight, but asks about my WW friend, who he has met once and very briefly.
i think now, this has overstepped everything. the absolute ignorance to my health. this isn't fair.
so now I have to get the balls to fix it. and as far as i am concerned there is only one way...but how do i start going about that?! It is just so hard, and with a 2 year old, no family that live near me and those that do aren't supportive...my god, it would turn her life upside down...that is tough.

I am sure I will never get the guts to leave. Is he physically abusive? No. Is he mentally abusive? Well, no, he doesn't talk to me...so i guess by ignoring me yes, but he doesn't put me down, call me names, yell and scream etc. Is he a good father? yes (not in her first year but i have to move on from that). Is he a hardworker? yes. Does he provide? yes. Do I love him? yes. but for how much longer???

We live side by side. that is all. 

This is of course me rambling...it is part of my life which probably should never be aired in public, but I have to get it out somewhere. I treat my blog as my diary. Knowing people read, and comment, but when I write I rarely take that into account. I feel it is my own little world when I write. So sorry for the ramblings, sorry for the sad sack I am tonight. the normally positive person...well...lets face it...most of us who are at WW are positive on the outside aren't we?!

I must fix this dent, I must lift my spirits. I must move on emotionally. I must put on my positive face.
just when...