thank you again!

Wow. I cannot believe how wonderful all of you are!
You have the most amazing things to say...great advice...great comebacks...and yes Suz, tools do belong in sheds...that picked me up! :)

I am amazed at how supportive you all are. You are such positive people who really show heart. I have forgotten what it is like to have someone who cares...so I am just slightly embarrassed by all the gushing!

I am certainly not a brave person. I am gutless. If I was brave there would be a number of things that would have happened already:
a. I would have spoken to him.
b. outlined my expenses and the things i stinge on.
c. I would have left him
d. strung him by the balls for being a pig.

None of which i have done.
None of which I am doing.
I am gutless.
I am waiting for that moment I guess...that moment when I am ready, and I know it is right. When head AND heart are in control.

Sib, you asked what I would do if my daughter was in this situation? I would never have let her marry the guy! I am scared that she will think it is ok to be in a relationship where love is not shown or said. He had none of it in his family so he cannot show affection. I want her to know that people in love should hold hands, should sit next to each other, should cuddle, should talk, should smile. I worry that she is learning this bad behaviour of not showing affection or not wanting it and seeking it. For now, she cuddles, smiles, kisses, holds hands, says "I wuv you" and everything I want her to do, and feel. I give her plenty and I get plenty from her. I just hope that when she is older, she chooses a partner who does the same. I don't want her to learn from my mistakes. or is that learn from my mistakes??? But she doesn't know they are mistakes! she could just think that is the norm...which I don't want her to ever think!
I had dated for 4 years a guy who gave me all the affection anyone could possibly ask for. I was absolutely smothered by him. I couldn't go to the toilet without a kiss goodbye! It was just way too much. So I have gone from one extreme to the other. I needed to find the in between!

I certainly am not going to be quitting my WW or exercise. I am hoping he can't cancel it, and it has to be me!  We have one bank account, but since I signed the direct debits I hope only I can cancel.

Today he sent me an email for an advert for a parenting course to tame toddlers! $60 for 3 sessions!
Where do we have that kind of money if I can't afford my health??
And...seriously...what do I take from that?
That I am a bad mother that is not raising our daughter properly?
Gees, last time I looked, he actually had some part in OUR daughter and if one of us is responsible, we both are!
And...my daughter is a 2 year old! She has tantrums. She runs off in shopping centres. She pulls dog hair. She is cheeky.  She is stubborn. She throws her food. She uses delay tactics when going to bed. She gives the most amazing hugs. She sings happy birthday to my dog, with hip hip hoorays, even when it isn't his birthday. When she gives the dog a treat, she tells him to say thankyou, and waits! She says "hello mummy" when she is being naughty, with the cutest smile and the sweetest face. She helps mummy with dishes. She lays on mummy like a baby when she is tired. I will add, she does this with Daddy too...she loves him just as much and always gets upset when she wakes up after he had gone to work.
She is a gorgeous little girl who is a normal 2 year old! She is a pain in the butt and the thing that makes my heart tingle...sometimes at the same time!
She doesn't need taming. I don't need parenting help. He doesn't need parenting help. He is a good father. I am a good mother.
So why would we waste money on something like that?

So exercise, or weight watchers, is frivolous???
Well, I am incredibly happy to report NO NO NO!
I have lost 19.9kg in 22 weeks.
this is just a huge amount, I never expected it!
I have 2.8kg to go until I am overweight (not obese)
I have 10.8kg to go until goal (which is still overweight, not healthy range, but what WW set me)
I am almost a size 14.
And the biggest thing I am really noticing at the moment, and very thankful for...is my asthma is fantastic! I could say barely exists. We have had huge changes in weather, generally a big trigger for my asthma...and nothing. not one wheeze.
How can what I be doing be frivolous?

On another thing...I am off to the Dr tomorrow. A while ago I blogged that I am always tired. This has not improved and is getting worse. I am always at points or above, I eat extra to counteract the exercise. I sleep, but wake up tired. I have a constant dull headache across my brow line. I nap during the day, and need a second one. The last two kickboxing sessions i have had to stop and felt faint. The past two days I have felt dizzy, firstly when I stood up, now even when I am sitting.
I thought maybe an iron issue. So going to Dr tomorrow to see what could be the cause. I do eat plenty of foods with iron in it, i love spinach/broccoli and eat plenty of red meat. So that is what makes me think maybe it is not being absorbed into the body properly.
I don't know if that is a simple thing to be diagnosed with...and what the possible solutions are...but it sounds simple enough...I don't know what else it could be. and I have had one person ask me could I be???? And that is a big fat NO! so nobody ask! I might be gutless to talk to him about my feelings, but I am not selling myself out to him just for a bit of hanky panky.

Anyway, I did get off track. This was supposed to be a huge THANKYOU to all my followers for all the wonderful words and thoughts. For yes, making me cry, but only because you care. You really don't know how much your replies mean. I wish I could act upon some of the advice given, some of it so obvious and simple to do...but yet I can't do it! I am just stuck in this state of disbelief and inaction. My day will come! And you guys are helping that day get closer!

THANKYOU again!
xxx